Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Bats I have loved

1. Gray Nicolls Scoop 2000

Pros: As used by Brian Lara to score his 375 Test record.

Cons: Didn't have a middle. Which didn't matter, as long as you were Brian Lara.

2. Milichamp and Hall Original.

Pros: Sweeter than any bat you will ever use, ever. Adding a tiny follow-through to your defense will usually see the ball go for four. A fully-middled swipe will mean the opposition has to retrieve it using public transport.

Cons: Parents remortgaged house to buy it for my birthday. Still had the life expectancy of a suicide bomber. Try and drive a yorker, and you can kiss your blade goodbye. A proper bat, not for the likes of thee.

3. GM Cannon

Pros: Light as a feather.

Cons: Highest profile user: Steve Harmison. Small, extremely sweet middle only of any use to people who time the ball. Thus, the Crap Cricketer has never scored 50 with it and has decided it's his 'nets bat'.

4. Classic Bat Co. Original

(Picture unavailable).

Pros: Given to the Crap Cricketer aged 15 for free as sponsorship solely because he'd played a game for Chichester and Arundel district, or something. Really very good.

Cons: They went bust. Can't think why.

Honourable mentions: Woodworm Torch (see M&H in terms of life expectancy, with added downside that you clearly wanted to be Freddie Flintoff. Also decorated with stickers designed to appeal to a small child, or Freddie Flintoff). Kookaburra Savage Beast (never used it, but my word does it send a message - this being 'I'm going to be bowled trying to smoke one out the ground very soon'), Slazenger V12 (lull the opposition into a false sense of security by walking out with the shittest bat ever made, then fail to get the ball off the square).


  1. It was the cannon wot almost broke your hand in nets last week. I hope you realise what a perfect storm of bad luck that was:

    1) I middle about 1 drive a year

    2) I only used the cannon because I couldn't be bothered to take my own bat to the pub beforehand.

    3) You definitely wouldn't have tried to catch that 2 months into the season. Even in a game.

  2. Indeed. Also the fact that as the ball came flying back at me, my thought process was 'that can't be going as fast as I think it is, he's using the Cannon.'

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  4. My least favourite bat: Gunn & Moore Striker. An utter embarrassment of a bat.

    Sadly it was my first bat. A lot of things were wrong about this:

    1) It was Harrow size but I got it when I was 9. My grandparents had bought it for me to 'grow in to'. Many things in life can be bought to grow in to, a cricket bat isn't one of them. I've seen pictures of myself and I look like I'm holding a golf driver. This is why I can now only play the cut shot.

    2)There was a much cooler G&M out there, which mattered at the time. Can't remember what it was.

    3) An awful name, though probably not as bad as the current selection of G&Ms which sound like the new line-up for Gladiators - Icon, Hero, Apex, Luna, Flare. Jesus.

  5. Ah, am I right in thinking that the Striker came with the added option of a set of stumps and a ball? That's usually a sure sign it's crap. I think the daddy back in the 80s/90s was just the 'Original' though the 'Purist' has been around a lot longer.

    You're spot on about the new bats. The GM Flare as used by Shane Watson is almost as camp looking:

  6. I tell a lie. It might well be the GM Maestro you're thinking of.

  7. The Grey-Nicolls Elite (I think it was called) was quite popular when I was at school, mainly because it came with Robin Smith's blessing.

    I remember being at the non-striker's end in a school match when a mate of mine used his Elite to smite a flat, cross-batted six straight down the ground that very nearly decapitated the umpire.

    Believe it was one of the earlier bats to have lumps scooped out of the back.

  8. Now that is a man bat. We had one in the school kit bag and the opening pair fought over it all the time. Loser got the Dynadrive, which never had any cherries on it. Robin Smith lost his England spot at almost exactly the same moment he moved to the Ultimate 750.

  9. It was the Maestro! Now that was a legendary bat.
    That Guy would have had one. All the cool kids had a Grey-Nicholls of some sort, but the Maestro was owned by the kid that the cool ones left alone.

    The Striker wasn't quite sh*t enough to come with stumps. I want to say that was the Skipper.

  10. I think you might be right there. The latest clip of Stewart has reminded me how much I liked the Kookaburra Bubble.

    If you played for a posh school and batted in the top 3 you almost certainly had a Newbury Mjolnir. If you were a weirdo and pervert you might have had a Hunts County.

  11. Massively correct. Every second cnut at my school had a Mjolnir. I still had the striker until about 17 by which time I'd finally grown in to it. Hooray.

    Then I got a bubble and mostly used it to splay drunk people in cowboy costumes around the ground at uni.

  12. Duncan Fearnley 405 anyone? Or was that just everyone who grew up in Worcestershire in the 80s!

  13. As pointed out in Rain Men, the higher the number on your bat, the fewer runs you're likely to score. Hence the immortal line 'If Gray Nicolls manufactured at twelve not out, I might buy it.'

  14. I'm pretty sure Duncan Fearnleys were only made for the team kit bag.

  15. GN Powerspot and the Legendry Alan Lamb V12