I am a Crap Cricketer. Exactly how crap is open to debate. But then isn't everything in cricket?
When Crap Cricketer walks out to bat, the screaming voices in the back of his mind start up. 'You're going to get 0.' 'That bowler's too good for you.' 'The pitch is really uneven.' 'You're shit.'
For the Crap Cricketer to make any runs at all, indeed for him not to break down on the outfield and start beating his gloved fist on the floor and crying like a baby before he's made it out to the middle, he has to marshal his counter-arguments and shut those voices up in advance.
So: the Crap Cricketer has usually been in the first team at school and college. He played a decent standard of league cricket for a season and averaged over a hundred (the fact said average was almost entirely comprised of soul-crushing, pressure-free 25 not outs as his team attempted to pick up some extra batting points is something he doesn't dwell on). Certainly he's less crap than many of the people at the clubs for whom he's plied his trade over the years; people who could quite possibly qualify for disabled parking tickets on their cars on the basis of their defensive technique.
The problem is this: at least once a year, in the middle of the night, (usually some time around July), the Crap Cricketer is jolted awake. He sits up in bed, assembles the evidence - horrific hoiks at straight balls, slow pies disappearing back over his head, dropped catches left right and centre, all flashing through his mind like the contents of that bill board at the end of The Usual Suspects...and reality smacks him like a vicious bouncer between the eyes. He's bad at cricket.
Later that day he'll score another 0, and this time he'll probably blame it on lack of sleep.
No. If Sachin Tendulkar is a Great Cricketer, and some county journeyman is a Good Cricketer, and all those weird people who play proper league cricket and relentlessly sledge each other so they can come fourth in the West Dorset Cement Mixers Division 3 League are Alright Cricketers, then it appears the Crap Cricketer's soubriquet is not misplaced.
It's time to keep a diary. Why is the Crap Cricketer so crap? What can be done about it? And why does he care?
When Crap Cricketer walks out to bat, the screaming voices in the back of his mind start up. 'You're going to get 0.' 'That bowler's too good for you.' 'The pitch is really uneven.' 'You're shit.'
For the Crap Cricketer to make any runs at all, indeed for him not to break down on the outfield and start beating his gloved fist on the floor and crying like a baby before he's made it out to the middle, he has to marshal his counter-arguments and shut those voices up in advance.
So: the Crap Cricketer has usually been in the first team at school and college. He played a decent standard of league cricket for a season and averaged over a hundred (the fact said average was almost entirely comprised of soul-crushing, pressure-free 25 not outs as his team attempted to pick up some extra batting points is something he doesn't dwell on). Certainly he's less crap than many of the people at the clubs for whom he's plied his trade over the years; people who could quite possibly qualify for disabled parking tickets on their cars on the basis of their defensive technique.
The problem is this: at least once a year, in the middle of the night, (usually some time around July), the Crap Cricketer is jolted awake. He sits up in bed, assembles the evidence - horrific hoiks at straight balls, slow pies disappearing back over his head, dropped catches left right and centre, all flashing through his mind like the contents of that bill board at the end of The Usual Suspects...and reality smacks him like a vicious bouncer between the eyes. He's bad at cricket.
Later that day he'll score another 0, and this time he'll probably blame it on lack of sleep.
No. If Sachin Tendulkar is a Great Cricketer, and some county journeyman is a Good Cricketer, and all those weird people who play proper league cricket and relentlessly sledge each other so they can come fourth in the West Dorset Cement Mixers Division 3 League are Alright Cricketers, then it appears the Crap Cricketer's soubriquet is not misplaced.
It's time to keep a diary. Why is the Crap Cricketer so crap? What can be done about it? And why does he care?
No comments:
Post a Comment