The Art of Captaincy

So this weekend I'm captaining, it transpires. Now the Crap Cricketer has many flaws: popcorn bowling. Flaky batting. Atrocious fielding. But when it comes to captaincy, I'm kind of a big deal.

Now I know what you're thinking: tactical nous. Firing the team up. Leading by example. Well, you're wrong. To captain a crap cricket team the talents required are far more nuanced. You're part schoolmaster, part therapist and above all, part man-manager.

Now 'man-management' in the Mike Brearley sense meant getting the best out of Ian Botham or making Bob Willis bowl faster. Which, with all due respect, is a piece of piss. In crap cricket it means, very simply, keeping ten people happy. Eleven, at a push.

Here's a run down of our team - in logical batting order:


1. Crap Cricketer (bat/bowl). In the context of this team, a mix of Don Bradman, Michael Holding and Jonty Rhodes
2. David Baddiel (bat). Looks like David Baddiel. Can usually block the ball for about 10 overs or so, but unlikely to make a big score.
3. Hagrid (bat/bowl). My trump card. Wangs down a very heavy ball and can usually slog a lusty 30, which is about 29 more than the rest of the team. He's also my banker in the field.
4. Santa Claus (bat/bowl). Santa is a fat old chap who looks like Santa. Used to be a very good cricketer, but is now pushing 50. Batting and bowling still serviceable.
5. Ancient (bat/wk). Possibly used to be good, but hard to tell. Certainly isn't now.
6. Bellend (bowl, thinks he can bat). Unfeasibly successful purveyor of dibbly dobblies who used to be quick in about 1985. Thinks he's a great batsman, usually gets out second ball for six.
7. Lunatic (not much). Looks like a tramp. Will be put at square leg to scare the umpires.
8. Decrepit (bat/wk/rubbish bowling). Older than Methuselah. Can occasionally block the ball, usually doesn't.
9. Cuthbert (bowls, a bit). Small child. Will be instructed to run from one side of the boundary to other in field to stop the others having a coronary.
10. Dibble (sort of bat/bowl, both very badly). Plays wonderfully orthodox shots down the wrong line, usually for 0..
11. Grub (nothing). New guy. Have been told he 'likes to stand at gully, and smoke.'

Now, it doesn't look all that bad, does it? David Baddiel can hold up an end while CC, Hagrid and Santa make some runs. In the field those three can get the wickets, Bellend and Cuthbert can fill in with some overs and you've got a decent performance on your hands.

Ha. Think again. Things to consider:

- Bellend refuses to go any lower than 6 because he thinks he's very good, even though he isn't. But in our preferred line up that means four of our top six batters are doing the bowling. In the unlikely event anyone makes any runs at all, that's going to cause tantrums.

- For the captain to be opening the batting and bowling is as sure a precursor to a bloody coup as there could be. In the absence of another person who could take the new ball, CC has to open the bowling. That means he's got to be one of the top order dropping down. This is a great result, because unlike the rest of the team he can hardly get pissy what with him being the one who made the decision.

- There are only two people who are happy to open, other than CC - David Baddiel and Santa. Santa's a good option because Bellend thinks Santa is a 'cunt' and they've nearly had fist fights before, so putting one opening and one at six is a sensible distance. But Santa's definitely going to bowl, so really we need to shift Hagrid down too otherwise Lunatic and Decrepit might not do anything. Hagrid's nice and will totally understand...ironically the person most likely to kick up a stink about the fact our two best batsmen are somewhere in the lower middle order is Bellend, who's largely responsible for the problem in the first place.

- The bowling line up, you might think, picks itself. CC, Santa, Hagrid, Bellend and Cuthbert. Ha ha ha. If only it were so easy. No doubt, they should all get a few overs in. But Santa, CC and Hagrid won't bowl that many, because even with our revised batting order it's highly likely Lunatic, Decrepit and Dibble won't do anything (because they'll score 0). And more to the point, every over Lunatic, Decrepit and Dibble bowl means they won't be in the field.

- Something else to keep in the back of the mind: Grub is evidently terrible but might be a useful contact for work, it transpires, so if he tells me he wants to bat at three and open the bowling then it's quite alright by me.

So our revised team is a flexible order, like what England do in T20s. It is predicated largely on what happens in the field. And we WILL field first.

1. Santa
2. David Baddiel
3. Lunatic (if he hasn't bowled). Or Bellend (if his bowling's been carted round the park and I've had to take him off early. Will tell him he's in the 'pinch hitter' role thus playing on ego and hastening his demise).
4. Decrepit or Lunatic depending on who wants it most.
5. Ancient (assuming he's not in hospital). If he is, CC if we're 10-3 (which we will be). Hagrid if we're 100-3 (which we won't be).
6. Hagrid or CC.
7. Bellend (fuck him, he'll just have to live with it).
8. Dibble (always wants to go number 8, for some reason. It's three places too high, but makes life easy).
9. Cuthbert (but whom I'll put ahead of Bellend if he's really annoying me because if there's one thing sure to piss him off it's being put behind a small child).
10. Not sure but saving for Ancient or Decrepit - whichever's the more knackered.
11. Hopefully Grub doesn't want to bat. Cuthbert can't take too much offence, what with being 13 years old, unless he's already started to learn from the rest of the team.

And there we have it.

Every player will be happy with their role, with the exception of Bellend, and that's perfect. We will field first, by hook or by crook - I'll tell the opposition captain he should bat first because we're shit and that way he's guaranteed half a game. I will also push for a declaration game. We will then concede mountains of runs and eat too much tea. Next we'll bat incredibly badly up front because our best players are lower down the order, and then if Hagrid or I play out of our skins we might just scrape a draw. In the very unlikely eventuality that we've bowled them out for a low total I shall adopt exactly the same tactics and not even think about trying to get the runs unless I'm absolutely sure the lower order doesn't have time to fold in a heap, which gives us about five overs (at most).

Last year, we won a game. Yeah, Andrew Strauss has it really tough, trying to work out if he should have four or five bowlers.