From Barry Hack's Bumper Christmas Book of Most-Likely Fabricated Cricket 'Funnies', Proctor and Gamble, 432 pp.
Glenn McGrath: Oi Brandes, why are you so fat?
Eddo Brandes: Because I play for Zimbabwe and don't have access to high-quality training facilities.
----
Shane Warne: I've spent two years waiting to bowl at you.
Daryl Cullinan: That's because you find it really easy to get me out.
----
Harbhajan Singh: You're a monkey.
Andrew Symonds: I plan to report you to the ICC Match Referee for racial abuse.
----
James Ormond: Your brother's better than you or something.
Steve Waugh: I'm sorry? I have literally no idea who you are.
----
Australian bowler: Something truly fucking hilarious about putting a Mars bar/pork pie on a good length.
Mike Gatting/Arjuna Ranatunga/whoever else this is allegedly directed at: Well that wouldn't work because the umpire would intervene.
----
Rodney Marsh: So how's the wife and my kids?
Ian Botham: Wife's fine, the kids are retarded.
CC: I'm sorry, but have you ever heard Ian Botham talk? You genuinely think he'd come out with something that witty? Really?
----
The Barmy Army: He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right, that Mitchell Johnson, his bowling is shite.
Mitchell Johnson: Yes, but I am an international sportsman unlike you bloated, good-for-nothing, loutish fucks.
----
All these gems and more will be coming my way in December when some sodding relative remembers I like cricket and gets me one of the many shit books dedicated to sporting 'wit' for Christmas. Yet another reason to hate Winter.
Glenn McGrath: Oi Brandes, why are you so fat?
Eddo Brandes: Because I play for Zimbabwe and don't have access to high-quality training facilities.
----
Shane Warne: I've spent two years waiting to bowl at you.
Daryl Cullinan: That's because you find it really easy to get me out.
----
Harbhajan Singh: You're a monkey.
Andrew Symonds: I plan to report you to the ICC Match Referee for racial abuse.
----
James Ormond: Your brother's better than you or something.
Steve Waugh: I'm sorry? I have literally no idea who you are.
----
Australian bowler: Something truly fucking hilarious about putting a Mars bar/pork pie on a good length.
Mike Gatting/Arjuna Ranatunga/whoever else this is allegedly directed at: Well that wouldn't work because the umpire would intervene.
----
Rodney Marsh: So how's the wife and my kids?
Ian Botham: Wife's fine, the kids are retarded.
CC: I'm sorry, but have you ever heard Ian Botham talk? You genuinely think he'd come out with something that witty? Really?
----
The Barmy Army: He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right, that Mitchell Johnson, his bowling is shite.
Mitchell Johnson: Yes, but I am an international sportsman unlike you bloated, good-for-nothing, loutish fucks.
----
All these gems and more will be coming my way in December when some sodding relative remembers I like cricket and gets me one of the many shit books dedicated to sporting 'wit' for Christmas. Yet another reason to hate Winter.
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